I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.- Groucho Marx