Pursuit of Happiness - 'Me' time

"I need myself too" : If and how do you take out time for yourself? What is your most preferred 'ME' Time?

When I read the topic as the 'theme-week' topic, the first reaction was to shy away and ignore it - but after a few days of thinking about it, here is a heartfelt account of how I arrived at my me-time and my pursuit of happiness. 

As a child, I've seen my mom put aside whatever she was doing to make time for my sister and I. I imbibed it as a motherhood ideal and did the same for the first couple of years after Button was born. When he was almost 3 (And I was just past 30) reality hit me. I was growing older and I hadn't spent anytime on myself in the last 3 years. Choosing not to work. Being a good mother and homemaker had consumed most of my time, energy and thought, but I wasn't too happy. I felt I hadn't taken out any me'time. The realization brought panic and a few weeks of calming walks and tears gave me some answers and 'nirvaana'!  

First of all, me-time is now ESSENTIAL to my very living. I've come to that realization. As a SAHM, I had to learn to shed aside overwhelming guilt to go out with my friends leaving my child(ren) behind with my 'hardworking' husband. I understood over time that I work very hard too - at keeping my house, caring for the children and making & sticking to a system that allows everyone to be happy. I am the glue in my house and my family cannot function without me. I had to shed my own prejudices about not having a full time corporate career and yet be a contributing member of the society as a SAHM or a part-time worker. Then I had to learn to be happy doing that. Being efficient and happy allows the hard-working husband to be happier at work (which hopefully then translates to professional success). Given these realizations I came to the conclusion (finally) that a few evenings out or a trip sans the family will only enhance my happiness and therefore that of my family, as well as make my kids more independent. In 2011, I chose to exercise the right by two trips - to Isarel and to Bangladesh - with gal pals. Surprisingly, I did have lots of fun. 

• During the trips I learnt something more - me-time is not time spent by myself or on myself. Its time spent doing something I like. Its time spent in enriching myself through doing or not doing. So story-telling with my son is also me-time in a way. As is going out to a movie-date with the husband. Just as much as coffee with friends or phone-rant sessions with gal pals! 
• Blogging is another me-time activity. Special mention to Monika for revoking my blog interest! The usual suspects rank high in my list too - reading (EVERY night before sleep, and now when I breastfeed my daughter too) as well as music (mostly when I take a walk or when I am in the car) and of late regular walks (I try to walk 5kms at least thrice every week). 
• With my 33rd b'day giving me a shock again about my age, I've included time spent on basic beauty care as me-time. 
• You may've noticed that cooking doesn't figure in the list. I do enjoy cooking, but given a choice would spend time reading or cleaning up! 
• I'd like to add a part-time role too as me-time, but its far away in the horizon. I'll always battle guilt for having a good degree but choosing family over a corporate career, but somewhere sometime, will take up a role that will give me happiness and time to do everything else I want to. 

My most preferred me-time activity is however traveling. It sings to my very DNA :) Give me tickets and I am ready to jump onto the next available flight to anywhere in the world. Real life interferes many times, but I will travel. Lots. 

Charity does begin at home!

Charity means differently to different people. My grandmom believes in feeding anyone she meets.. from the daily helpers to any extended family member to any child in my building who walks past her door. If she could feed me via phone, she probably would! But clothes, old newspapers, old utensils… NO! They are meant to be ‘sold’ to the raddiwala for money. This included our old clothes, school notebooks, carefully washed Bournvita bottles and even old tattered shoes. 

My mom’s beliefs are different. She believes in ‘volunteering’ – from giving blood to teaching anyone who asks her for help to giving her seat on the bus to older travelers, she believes in extending herself. Having had to struggle financially herself, the only time she would open her wallet to give money generously was to aid education in any way – from becoming a guarantor to paying fees to hostel fees to buying books, she has done it all. 

My definition of charity? I never believed in it, until recently. I did not believe in unorganized giving – I would contribute annually to a not-for-profit of my choice, but my old clothes, books, vessels – all of them would be dumped in the dumpster, never ‘given’ to any cleaning or cooking help. I never gave ‘giving’ to my support staff any thought.

Until Button was born.

I listened to the stories of my cleaning staff’s children and I began to notice the children on the road. In my head I have categorized them as the ones belonging to ‘begging’ rackets and the ones who actually belong to families who love them, keep them, but in abject conditions (due to various reasons). The latter category I have begun to help.  I give away Button’s old toys and clothes and sometimes even books. I don’t think I can help ALL the children I see. Even the one or two I help, I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing giving them something that is not sustainable (and against my tenets of organized development). But I do feel sorry to see them robbed of small pleasures like a car or crayon, or even worse the necessity of clothes.

Every morning I cross this dumping ground near my office and I notice a little boy(a boy exactly the same size as Button) being fed by his mom or cuddled by an aunt or teased by his siblings. Yesterday, I saw him playing naked in a black puddle with a used paper cup - my heart sank, my stomach roiled and my temper rose. This morning, I met the mother of the boy, gave her clothes, toys and a healthy dose of ‘sanitary’ advice and reached office. Although I am not sure if I did the right thing, my heart is lighter. At least for some time the boy will not step into sludge(hopefully) and play with toys instead of  unhygienic rubbish.  

On a more proactive basis, can anyone direct me to an orphanage in Chennai that accepts donations of used toys, clothes and books? 

Resolution # 1

2011 dawned many moons ago. And this year my resolution is to stick to my resolutions! The first of them was to resurrect my dormant blog. The blog has ceased to be just an outlet for penning down my thoughts. It remains (and here comes my B-school training) -
1. A diary of memories that my mind finds difficult to store of late.
2. A place to leave something that is quintessentially 'me' for posterity. Like my mom's letters to my dad, or my grandfather's diaries or my grandmother's diamonds!
3. A wonderful place to make and keep new friends. I already met a blogging mamma and it was oh-so-wonderful to bond with her.
4. An ode to my family.
5. A fulfillment of a resolution to do something creative. While it may not be in the league of artists and writers, it gives me joy, and so it remains a testament to my creativity.

Thank you 2011 for arriving. Good luck!

'Bomb'ay!

In the last week that I was away from the blog world....

Travel:
I discovered in the airport, on the Jet weighing scale that I had 100 kgs of luggage(travelers = me, Button, Husband and Mom-in-law). A good 40 kgs excess. Realised I would be bankrupt (given stock market situation or not) if I paid the actual amount. So gave Oscar winning performance to Jet airways man-at-counter about coming from the US of A and how hot India was and how Jet's service standards seemed to have improved since my last trip with them :) Well, it is not false, except that we returned over 2 years ago. And after all time IS a relative factor and necessity the mother of improvisation :)

In the flight, when Button cried before take off, 3 male stewards and 1 female air hostess rushed towards us, stood around me and insisted I feed him. While after six tequila shots I may be tempted to loosen a button or two, I wasn't planning to breastfeed for in-flight entertainment. Finally it took my irate husband to point out that they needed to fasten their seat belts and that our baby was 'our' concern. Phew!

Home
Yippee... am back home! To my lovely little home that overlooks the sea and the Worli-Bandra sea link. To my maid who has it in her nature to fight with me everyday. To my cook, who hopefully shall get the sack soon for putting 'dal' in salt instead of the other way round. To my 'apartment mommy society' (and there are already 6 of us with babies born this year). To my bedroom with its lovely white bed lamp. And best of all, back to life with husband. We are a family now :)

Button is settling down. We are trying to get him to sleep in his crib. But he gets up twice in the night(atleast) for feeds. So its tough. Am planning to persist with it as most books advise separate sleeping arrangements from month 3 itself. Also, I'd like to roll about in my bed for a change :)

Birthday
And I turned the lovely age of 29 on the 10th. Had a quiet b'day. Button wore ONLY new clothes from morn to evening. I got a slew of gifts from husband in his usual thoughtful and innovative manner. Good food from m-i-l completed the day. Next year (I have promised myself) I shall get smashed :)

Leaving on a jet plane...

Buried under mountains of clothes to pack... never realized there'd be SO MUCH to do before a less-than-two-hours flight back home to Bombay! Work seems to have doubled as compared to my trip from Bombay to here.

And to see my completely grown-up parents behave like kids with their sad faces at Button's departure, refusing to let me hold him except during b/feeding sessions.

And the streams of last minute visitors coming in to see the baby. (Didn't they know I was here in the last 3 whole months?)

And his vaccination yesterday (and fever to deal with)

But yippee... am glad am going back home..in time for my b'day... Bombay watch out for us :)

ps: Any Bombayites/non-Bombayites if you can suggest a full time/part time maid/nanny, I shall be eternally grateful and promise to buy you a drink/coffee/or anything else... gentleman's word.

Sayanora Kalpakkam... shall blog from Bombay in a few days, once I settle in.

Meanwhile, Button turned 4 months old today.
* He hates rolling over.
* Maybe its my imagination, but he seems to recognize his name and the word "fan".
* Loves to admire his hands and feet! (For narcissistic tendencies, his mom is to be blamed!)
* Hates to be wrapped up for the night.
* Chews his mittens with a vengeance.
* Gurgles, coos and sometimes says 'da'.
* He sings with me when I sing (offtune) his lullaby for the night(and no, its NOT my overactive imagination, I swear he really croons!)
* Is taller and chubbier and cuter than ever :)

Rolling Stone!

Button rolled over by himself today. He is 87 days old. Yippee :)

ps: He seems to love being on his tummy.

Saas, Sister and other Sagas!

My mother-in-law has been here for the last couple of weeks (henceforth referred to as 'm-i-l' in true 'Woman's Era' ishtyle! "http://www.womansera.com"). My husband has a brother, so she is an m-i-l twice over. While my mom is my mom, “ she” treats us(certainly me) as a much loved niece at least (tough to use the word 'daughter'!)I wonder how clichéd the saas-bahu serials get in their depiction of the m-i-l, no better are the ones in the average Hindi and Tamil movies and Woman's Era type magazines and books. I am genuinely concerned about human adaptability to 'conditioning'. How easily is this cross section of society bad mouthed! I get pampered, sometimes rapped (but gently) and mostly loved and treated like an equal adult. Yes, there are times when am mad at her, or my husband (usually for taking her side unconditionally!) but usually the feelings are soothed by discussion, some adjustment (on my part) good food and presents for me :) While it is tough to replace the security and comfort of one's own mom, I believe it is necessary to work out at least a amicable relationship with one’s 'm-i-l'.... what is the point in strife, when we have just a few more years of life? (Did you notice the rhyme?!)

My sis is a madcap... she decided last Wednesday that she WANTED to see me... her poor husband doesn't have a choice, but to pander to her wishes (unfortunately that is how our family 'brought' her up!!)She also had an important meeting on Friday that she couldn't miss.. so she flew into Bombay from Chennai on Thursday morning and flew back on the same evening... by Jet Airways... on her own cost! But we had a blast! Lovefool :)

My mom is coming over next week to spend a few weeks with me..Summer holidays for her...yippeee! Good food and great company.

I dunno if any of you have this voyeuristic tendency to secretly watch a saas-bahu serial. I have one such secret... (one misdemeanour is maaf!) I watch this one soap called 'Banoo Mein Teri Dulhan' about 2 - 3 times a week. It used to be bad, it is now ROTTEN! What with the villain skipping a generation with nary a grey, or wrinkle! Should I bemoan the reincarnation or the hideous filmy song-n'-dance routines or the constant scenes centred around the dinner table?! Nahinnnnnnnn :)

Finally, I think poor Bhajji has had enough with his burst of temper... Amul said it best "Pow Bhajji.... Amul Butter: Slap it on"

A Vacation called Goa!

Short as it was, and given the way our schedules look, probably the last vacation in a long long time, I really looked forward to Goa. Clapped my hands in glee, pretended the right amount of surprise and went along on the 4 day vacation happily. Given that we are vegetarians, I even took along homemade kakra, chevda and tonnes of 'munchings'!

We were booked into 'Club Mahindra - Varca Beach'. The resort was quite lovely, on the shore, with a lovely coastline that offers swimming and other activities like parasailing, speedboats, waterskiing, dolphin-watching etc. Also deck chairs and a coupla shacks that offer alcohol at unimaginable rates! Really low :) The resort is also quite kid-friendly was lots of activities for children from pottery to craft classes and cooking classes as well as round the clock inboard games (some paid, some free). Also, activities for the non-swimmers - evening tambola type activities (yawn!)

My surprise was at the number of signs in Russian... seems like Goa is the hot spot destination for the newly-rich Russia that wants to flaunt its wealth. We were at Benaulim beach in South Goa when a horde of Sarong-selling, Shell-selling, Beads-selling and other-unmentionables selling hawkers descended on the crowd. We are the only brownskinned lot there and it was funny how they studiously worked AROUND us. We were never pestered, not once!

A must do for tipplers is this place called Longinos (or spelt differently I think) in Madgaon. The costliest wines there were Rs.150/- a glass! The best of whiskies retailed for Rs.60/- a peg! Strairway to Heaven indeed! Food I was told, totally rocked with king prawns and pomfret. As for me, it was coconut water galore and dal-chaawal!

I realized that I hate to come back from holidays... in fact even the holidays themselves do not see me in the peak of enjoyment... my best phase is the anticipation of the holiday.. when I plan what to take, give the maid and cook a few days off, pack and double check my packing and finally lock the house to leave. Now that am back to work (lots of work), sigh! Goa seems like a far off dream... but like the Terminator says "I shall be back baby"!

Friends, Nostalgia, Spirits and Bouncers!

This weekend was exceptional. Having flung myself into the rapids of the corporate world (and struggling not to fall asleep in the afternoon or throw something at my boss) I realize I have established a monotonous daily pattern of life (sigh)!

Decided after three weeks of working that I needed a break :)

What better than to go back to Bengaluru (yikes, sounds like a warped version of ladies finger's tamil translation) to meet my good friend and ex-roomie. She is now in the US of A doing her MBA again (she wanted to study Kotler again?!) So it was a crazy day and a half trip... we met, yapped until our voices gave up (both of us are hoarse now!) started paying obeisance to Baccus in the afternoon (her dad opened a bottle of an amazing rye vodka from Poland), went shopping to 'Forum' (it is three times more crowded now than it was two years ago) and cribbed till we ourselves couldn't take it anymore! In the evening we went to 'Opus' a wonderful lounge bar with tonnes of memories from our past. A friend of ours went overboard and we had the distinction of being thrown out! All in all, had a lovely time bonding and letting my hair loose completely!

I realized (all over again) -

a) Bangalore is way greener and 'classier' than Bombay (native Bombay junta, stop reading NOW!) The roads are much more crowded than before, but the city still exudes an old-world warmth and genteel culture that is captivating and charming at once.

b) One should be happy with life, because there are so many people who laugh and party despite being under enormous strain (emotion, financial etc.) So to use my famous words again, maid not coming to work is NOT a big issue!

c) 5000 business contacts are good. 500 acquaintances are fun to have. But at the end of the day, it is the close '5 friends' in one's life who bring a genuine smile onto one's face and warm the heart!

Enjoy :)

The Pursuit of Happiness

How many times in our lives have we started a conversation with "I want..." Pretty often. And once we do achieve the "I want..", do we stop saying that? No, probably not.

I read a couple of articles this morning in the papers that set off this line of thought.

# 1: Mukesh Ambani's house
Mumbai Mirror reported that he is building a 27-storey house with features such as helipads, mini theatre, swimming pool, 6 floors of parking space (to house upto 168 cars), two floors of guest rooms, 4 floors of living space for the family and 600 service staff to maintain the mansion. I wonder if he’d be happy with this, or want more, once it takes shape in concrete and mortar?

In contrast, my maid told me this morning that she is thrilled to have found a first floor asbestos roofed 1 room house before monsoon and she aims to buy a one room shack in two years time!

Who would be happier once they move into their dream house? Would they want more after that?

# Cars and Car Owners
Bluetooth backseats, warm seats, I pod connectivity, moon roof, run-flat tyres.. the list goes on. As if it were not enough to own a BMW, these are some of the extra features that are regularly asked for by BMW clients.

In contrast, my colleague has begun traveling by rick once she moved into this company. She says she is much happier without having to fight for a foot of space on the train each morning. She is saving up to buy a second-hand car in 3 years time.

Will a BMW go faster in Mumbai traffic as compared to a 3 wheeler? Who would be happier traveling in their mode of transport on a rainy day? Would they want more?

When some material, spiritual or emotional change brings us comfort, it doesn’t last, we want more. Want more salary, want children now that we are married, want to go to all jyothirlingam sites….

When do we start saying ‘I want’ and when do we stop?
Who is happy with what they have... my maid? Mukesh Ambani? Me? You?

“It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. How did he know that? “
- Will Smith in ‘The Pursuit of Happyness'

Ref:
http://www.mumbaimirror.com/net/mmpaper.aspx?page=article§id=15&contentid=20070530022210718d7460de5

http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/Snootier_the_car_quirkier_the_requests/articleshow/2085109.cms